The perils of the false self
What are the masks we wear?
“If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be this: “Darling learn these two words: F**k. Off. All my life I never learnt to say those words, I just learnt to be nice, to play along.”
So says our icon of older cool Helen Mirren.
Ouch those words so resonate with me!
There is much research that suggests that one of the reasons us adults get into trouble mentally is that in our earliest years we were not loved and accepted for our wonderful pure authentic self. Instead we were given messages that we needed to attune ourselves to what our primary caregivers needed from us. As little babies so many of us were denied the luxury of being loved for just being us.
As life goes on, without that firm foundation, we carry on moulding ourselves to our external environment and are hypervigilant to what other people want/expect from us. And if we are women there remains a pervasive narrative around what we should and shouldn’t do and how much space we should be rightly taking up.
The result is so many of us are wearing some kind of mask/or many masks and these are moulded so firmly onto our being that we eventually forget the essence of who we really are. Only the subconscious doesn’t forget and keeps sending us warning signals that our very psyche/soul is in danger through all this pretence. These signals include: choosing and staying with toxic partners/friends/environments, feelings of emptiness/loneliness, a sense of feeling that life hasn’t really begun, outbursts of anger/depression and anxiety, over eating, addictions.
This list of negatives around a too firm and rigid false self is endless. And, my dear reader, if you recognise any of the above I implore you to start the internal work as soon as you can. My favoured route is through deep therapy (you really are worth it!) but there are lots of other creative ways too. Yoga and meditation, or other practices such as tai chi, can be a more accessible and affordable way of starting that work. Or any creative pursuit from dance, drama, painting, writing - all give us space to express who we really are.
My advice is to do as many of these as possible and to build up a deep and rich internal world. Honestly if we achieve this we won’t need to spend nearly as much on fancy handbags, holidays, cars - our need for external stuff will be reduced. Good for us, our bank balance, our communities and the environment:)
But the danger appears when we shape shift to such a degree that we are unable to return to our authentic self or start to live our lives only through the expectations of others.
Of course there is a social requirement for us to fit in and to mould in some ways. Telling your boss/partner/neighbour to “f**k off” - is to be only deployed on very special occasions. And we must at times shape shift to build connections, stay in our communities, influence and persuade. But the danger appears when we shape shift to such a degree that we are unable to return to our authentic self or start to live our lives only through the expectations of others.
Social media provides the ideal playground for the false self. Taking selfie after selfie to capture that “perfect” picture of the “perfect” life. Check out our conversation with psychologist and best-selling author De Emily Sandoz rockmyage.com/in-conversation/emilysandoz on the potential psychic hazards of our quest for curated perfection. But social media can be great fun and connect us to people - the trick is to ensure our subconscious truly understands that social media is NOT reality and is way more like theatre than anything else. As long as we are in touch with who we really our, what our values and beliefs are - then it can be a fun way to express ourselves.
For more information :
theschooloflife.com provides a range of free materials around working on getting in tough with your true self
if you want to dig deep read up on child psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, who introduced the concept of the true and false self in the 1960s
PLEASE if you are worried about your mental health seek help. Always call the emergency services if you are extremely worried about yourself or somebody else.
Debbie Binner is a writer, author and psychotherapist in training. All of the views expressed are her own.
