The perils of the false self

What are the masks we wear?

“If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be this: “Darling learn these two words: F**k. Off. All my life I never learnt to say those words, I just learnt to be nice, to play along.”

So says our icon of older cool Helen Mirren.

Ouch those words so resonate with me!

There is much research that suggests that one of the reasons us adults get into trouble mentally is that in our earliest years we were not loved and accepted for our wonderful pure authentic self. Instead we were given messages that we needed to attune ourselves to what our primary caregivers needed from us. As little babies so many of us were denied the luxury of being loved for just being us.

As life goes on, without that firm foundation, we carry on moulding ourselves to our external environment and are hypervigilant to what other people want/expect from us. And if we are women there remains a pervasive narrative around what we should and shouldn’t do and how much space we should be rightly taking up.

The result is so many of us are wearing some kind of mask/or many masks and these are moulded so firmly onto our being that we eventually forget the essence of who we really are. Only the subconscious doesn’t forget and keeps sending us warning signals that our very psyche/soul is in danger through all this pretence. These signals include: choosing and staying with toxic partners/friends/environments, feelings of emptiness/loneliness, a sense of feeling that life hasn’t really begun, outbursts of anger/depression and anxiety, over eating, addictions.

This list of negatives around a too firm and rigid false self is endless. And, my dear reader, if you recognise any of the above I implore you to start the internal work as soon as you can. My favoured route is through deep therapy (you really are worth it!) but there are lots of other creative ways too. Yoga and meditation, or other practices such as tai chi, can be a more accessible and affordable way of starting that work. Or any creative pursuit from dance, drama, painting, writing - all give us space to express who we really are.

My advice is to do as many of these as possible and to build up a deep and rich internal world. Honestly if we achieve this we won’t need to spend nearly as much on fancy handbags, holidays, cars - our need for external stuff will be reduced. Good for us, our bank balance, our communities and the environment:)

But the danger appears when we shape shift to such a degree that we are unable to return to our authentic self or start to live our lives only through the expectations of others.

Of course there is a social requirement for us to fit in and to mould in some ways. Telling your boss/partner/neighbour to “f**k off” - is to be only deployed on very special occasions. And we must at times shape shift to build connections, stay in our communities, influence and persuade. But the danger appears when we shape shift to such a degree that we are unable to return to our authentic self or start to live our lives only through the expectations of others.

Social media provides the ideal playground for the false self. Taking selfie after selfie to capture that “perfect” picture of the “perfect” life. Check out our conversation with psychologist and best-selling author De Emily Sandoz rockmyage.com/in-conversation/emilysandoz on the potential psychic hazards of our quest for curated perfection. But social media can be great fun and connect us to people - the trick is to ensure our subconscious truly understands that social media is NOT reality and is way more like theatre than anything else. As long as we are in touch with who we really our, what our values and beliefs are - then it can be a fun way to express ourselves.

For more information :

• theschooloflife.com provides a range of free materials around working on getting in tough with your true self

• if you want to dig deep read up on child psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, who introduced the concept of the true and false self in the 1960s

• PLEASE if you are worried about your mental health seek help. Always call the emergency services if you are extremely worried about yourself or somebody else.

Debbie Binner is a writer, author and psychotherapist in training. All of the views expressed are her own.

A little christmas magic to soothe the soul

Finding light in darkness or vice versa

As a young woman, whose life wasn't panning out as she expected nor wanted, I legged it to a remote mountain village in the North of Italy. Didn't speak a word of Italian, didn't know anyone but I knew I needed a circuit breaker for a life that could so easily have spiralled down the wrong way.

My courage paid off, as it often does I've found. I had the most magical, intense and healing times of my life. I made lifelong friends, learnt to ski/speak Italian and realised early that at each turn in life one can go many different ways.

Now I don't know if I have an especially strange personality, or what it is, but every now and then I just need to throw everything up in the air and see where it lands. Christmas and New Year always seem like a great time to do this. More on this in a moment.

I chanced on complete alignment of body, mind and soul

First back to my extraordinary year. Something very particular happened in that year that I have never forgotten. It was late in the day and I was skiing, no gliding, through a beautiful blue run through a forest. Fresh snow and the sun still just peeking over the horizon. Distant cow bells, so evocative of this part of the world, conspired to create an audible backdrop to a scene which I can only imagine is what heaven, if it existed, would look like.

It felt like I'd come home and that every part of my body, soul and mind at moved into harmony. It was better than any drug I'd ever experienced that was for sure. As the song goes it really was "a perfect day".

And now I'm studying psychotherapy, that memory keeps coming back to and I want to understand it better/repeat it maybe. If you could bottle that feeling - well wouldn't that be great.. How can one find complete happy peacefulness in the most simple of situations?

If I were a religious person I might have assumed that I'd gone through some spiritual awakening - I certainly felt closer to my God than I ever had before or since. But through my study of psychology, buddhism and general philosophy I think what had really happened was that I chanced on a complete alignment of body, mind and soul. Some might call it a Gestalt moment, flow, enlightenment or something that captures that moment of wholeness. Wholeness being an incredibly important concept in psychology. I want to write much more about this as I'd completely overlooked the damage splitting off parts of the psyche to fit into the world really can be.

I guess what's most interesting about this is how I got there and why. And I'm not entirely sure to be honest. But there are some clues in my behaviour up until that point. Firstly I decided not to be unhappy/small/locked in any more and took action to leave a situation. I was spending most of the time outdoors in the most stunning scenery on earth (lots of research saying looking into the distance especially at beauty is good for mental health) and I was living life on my terms. On that day I'd been skiing with some locals, who were seriously good skiers, so I'd been pushed out of my comfort zone and it felt thrilling, exciting, that I was really alive... All of the above have been linked to encouraging a person to move into more moments like this.

I don't know about you but I approach the festive season with a mixture of heady childlike excitement and deep deep sadness that so many people I have loved aren't here anymore. But it is only a day and maybe if we approach it with the right mindset it could still be a magical day for us whatever our circusmstances.

Here are some thoughts. I hope they help you if you are in a difficult place or you've experienced any kind of loss

• Be kind to yourself first and foremost. Have realistic expectations. If you are mourning it is going to be very tough. If you've lost a child, like me, it will always be tough. Forever. That's just how it is There is something incredibly thrilling about accepting/embracing reality. Something cathartic about just sitting in sadness. There really can be peace and happiness in the sadness.

• I don't think anybody should be alone at Christmas unless they truly, truly want to be. Please reach out - people might say they don't want to join you as nobody wants to feel that they are alone/lonely. But keep asking anyway.

• Have realistic expectations of relatives. So many people find Christmas sad and difficult - sometimes we all behave badly as we are hurting so much underneath. A little patience/a little kindness goes a long long way.

• Think back to your childhood and what are the kind of things you loved doing then. I loved anything crafty and this Christmas I'm picking up what my Grandmother used to do crocheting. Apparently it's become very trendy:)

• And as somebody once said how can anyone be sad and lonely with a book in their hand. My recommendations to keep you glued for the whole day Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout or Sorrows and Bliss by Meg Mason.

And maybe if you are a woman, of any age, and want to work at making life more vivid, richer, have more meaning then watch this space. My colleague Erika Uffindell and I are working on a series of workshops and retreats this year to guide, inspire and encourage people to rewrite the narrative of our lives. With all the upheaval around we think this is really important work.

In the meantime have a lovely holiday wherever and whoever you are

Debbie x

The often ignored skills behind great on-camera performances

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

Firstly a disclaimer. I love men - passionately, wildly, deeply. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have been surrounded by some of the best of men in my family, in my friendship circle, in my workplace and in my community. I just don’t give my precious time to the others. My favourite all time boss was a man. He oozed values, integrity and was bold and brave in standing up for what was right ALL of the time. He’s now a very senior govt person, but I’m not telling who he is - my little secret. Oh and the musician Nick Cave - if you haven’t checked out his redhandfiles.com please do - all you need there to live a full and worthwhile life. Just brilliant.

But back to women. Having trained senior boards of people across the world in how to manage their story, often under intense media scrutiny, I have noticed time and again a difference between how men and women approach this highly dangerous, but hugely potent, performance skill. Purely anecdotal, but this is often how it goes…

The men, even the quieter more reflective ones (who often make the best media spokespeople by the way) automatically assume that they are going to be great on camera even though this isn’t always the case. But, they are ready for the game - their approach is often “ OK I got this bit wrong but let’s try again.” They know how to fail well and to get up again and give it another go. A great approach to capturing that magical piece around charisma/confidence/authenticity/humour that is needed for a TV/video performance.

Women, on the other hand, (and don’t shoot me down I know there are tons of exceptions) are way more concerned about: what they look like often pointing to imaginary physical flaws, what they sound like, what their colleagues will think. They prepare beautifully, word perfect in fact, but they miss the need to jump in, to explore, to inject passion/humanity.

Great performances, both on and off camera - you know the ones that really inspire/change minds - are built on that heady cocktail of self belief, authority, vulnerability. They are underpinned by a performer who knows how to harmonise their body language, their words and the tone of their voice and deploy the right levels of tone and energy. TV/video is especially challenging here as one is limited in a small box and the camera acts as probing microscope amplifying any parts of the performance that are off key. Add in an inquisitive, often ill-informed journalist, and it’s a tough gig for the majority of people.

Getting good at speaking/telling stories, both on and off camera and to different sized audiences, is a real professional and personal super power. Personally I worry in this world of working from home, which is so fantastic for families in so many ways, that women will suffer more on the visibility issue. And visibility matters very much - if we aren’t visible we start to lose our voice/power and in a world where progress is being squeezed hard by a skills/talent shortage we can’t afford to let this happen. You skills and talents are needed now more than ever.

At Rock My Age we are passionate about skilling up as many women, of all ages and backgrounds, as possible in being able to raise their voice in whatever way they want in ensuring that they can meet their potential and hopefully also use it to work towards a better workplace/community/world. This is especially important if you have been given unhelpful messages in the past such as: ‘be quiet, wait your turn, oh aren’t you bossy? ” or anything that has made you feel less than/an outsider in anyway.

But in my experience, like everything in life, this kind of skill takes time to build and I don’t believe in “faking it until you make it” - it just doesn’t work like that. That camera is a magnet to anything that isn’t authentic, so the skill to great camera performances is working on your self, your life story, your accomplishments and your value in the world way before you get anywhere near a camera.

There was a great piece around the term “Girl Boss” on Radio 4 Women’s Hour last week. A selection of female leaders warning against this in your face you can do/be whatever you want mentality. Instead they advised women to get steely about their accomplishments, build a fabulous resume full of facts and thought through stories and then ensure you internalise this before you take it out there. This is a life’s work, a little like journalling, building up you inner story, self belief with hard facts and experience. Believe me once you’ve done that the camera, and so many other things, will be a hell of a lot easier and way more fun.

Some (usually ignored) tips for on-camera performance and general confidence

• write down all of your accomplishments. One of mine was getting myself back into the workplace after suddenly becoming a single parent with no income and big bills to pay. Turning this round, and this was very dicey at times, is high there amongst my greatest achievements. Of course add how you persuaded a board to change direction and follow your lead or won that seemingly impossible piece of business - but don’t forget the personal stuff.

• remember the foundation of your story is your personal brand. Your personal brand is built by a deep well thought out set of principles, values and achievements. It is your greatest protection and your most potent sales tool.

• once you have your personal story, keep adding to it as you move through life. Maybe use themes such as resilience, bounce back, what I learnt, when things went wrong. Look for themes and lessons learnt and see if you can try out some different ways of approaching the things you found difficult.

• share your story often and don’t be afraid to fail. The research continually tells us that women are held back because they don’t know how to fail well. Some people won’t like you, won’t want to listen, may think you’re a “grandstander” “self-promoter”. Don’t listen share it anyhow and keep building and re-crafting as you move through life.

• adopt a growth mindset. Instead of squirming in a difficult meeting try sitting back and thinking about what you can learn. Who you see as behaving with maturity and grace and who isn’t. Try putting yourself in their shoes and get curious like a psychologist - think about what is behind their behaviour and how they could have done this differently.

• be bold. Always.

Rock My Age offers a suite of coaching and workshops around on and off camera performances. Debbie@rockmyage.com for a confidential discussion about your requirements.

“Stay close to anything that makes you feel glad you’re alive” - Hafiz

I was 23 when I first got a glimpse of what was to become a lurking lifelong passion in the corner of my mind. I was a fashion journalist in London when a colleague took me to to see Blood Wedding - a Spanish musical which is a flamenco adaptation of Frederico Garcia Lorca’s play of the same name.

I’d loved the play and all of Lorca’s amazing work, so focussed on the heavy heat of Southern Spain as a metaphor for the stifling repression of women and most especially female sexuality. Of course like everything that is squashed down, it rises out of the shadows with more force and intensity than it ever would have had had it been given more air. For a young woman in London Lorca’s plays were simply about sex and the challenges that all women have in expressing and owning their own sexuality.

As an Irish Catholic girl I related to this big time.

But there was something else in Blood Wedding - it was this dance form that I’d never seen properly before (and believe me real flamenco is nothing like the watered down/sugared up tourist version) . It is a dance that exudes passion, pain and longing. A dance that lays the soul bare- the emotions are let loose as there is nowhere to hide. For a young woman who’d been brought up with the confining strictness of tap and ballet - both I still love - this dance was something else. It was bold, dangerous and a call to arms to take up space, a demand to show who you really are. The dancers seemed to pour out emotions from their bodies as the rhythm burst from their feet and arms.

Aw flamenco I fell in love with you at that moment. With its gypsy roots, it comes from the impossibly romantic Andalusia region of Southern Spain - flamenco is at heart a dark creative force, an expression of soul and struggle. For me no other dance really epitomises the art of life - the darkness and the light co-existing, the drive to push forward, to create, to love. To conquer the complexities of the moves one needs to get to the end of the dance, it can be pure torture as the arms and feet move away from each other, and the body twists and turns towards/against its passions/desires.

Flamenco is life. Its very form is imperfect, open to the performer’s interpretation. It’s messy, loud, bad for the joints and often out of control and it demands the maturity/suffering/life story of the older woman to really capture its spirit.

But I never took it up, even though I’m a lifelong dancer. Instead I travelled regularly to Seville to bask in the glory of the female dancers in little back street wooden floored tapas bars and was introduced to just how different Spanish Jerez (sherry) is to what we call sherry here in the UK. I felt so in awe of these women, who I mistakenly thought could only move like this as the flamenco spirit coursed through their very bloodline. Such a contradiction that these women seemed to ooze female power, confidence and liberation; whilst the roots of the dance come from such female repression.

The ambiguity really appeals to me and holds many life lessons I feel. More on this in a moment. But first..

Last year everything changed and I was no longer allowed to be a spectator on my guilty pleasure - life does indeed move in mysterious ways. The Flamenco Festival held every June at Sadler’s Wells in London was cancelled! I, like many others, was distraught. At my last visit I’d marvelled at how the new genre of flamenco was moving away from the garish dresses and flower adorned hairstyles- instead an all female troupe had burst onto the stage dressed only in black with hair slicked back into uncompromising austere buns. I could see how this dance was moving into a new era - a kind of meditation on a whole new more out there female power that no longer had to exist in the shadows.

“Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful of the arts, because it is no mere translation or abstraction of life; it it life itself

- Havelock Ellis

What to do? Well like everything in life I feel that there is a time and a place. I could not live without flamenco so here was my chance. I signed up at the City Lit education centre in London for online flamenco classes. Maybe it was the fact that they were online that made me feel less self conscious. Who knows but I am beyond thrilled that I did this.

Since then every Thursday morning I show up with a group of 10 other bold women from across the world, as Dani our teacher leads us through this extraordinary dance. We may be stomping, swirling and taking up space in our living rooms in London, Newcastle and Hull - whilst long suffering partners have to explain the noise on their conference calls - but in our souls and hearts for those two hours we are transported onto the rooftops of the old Arabic and gypsy quarters of Granada facing the Alhambra - an ancient mosque, palace and fortress built by the Moorish monarchs.

And now I’m signed up for life. Who cares I’m fair skinned and in my 50s - this dance is ideal for the older woman - and there are certainly some similarities to Irish dancing. And what is so strange is that it has reminded me about what art has to teach us about life. I’m not sure I’ve ever found any body movement that says quite as much about life as flamenco. Even my beloved yoga, which is so important for uniting the body spirit, doesn’t match up to the life lessons that I’m taking from this extraordinary dance. So please allow me to share them with you - and just maybe I will ignite a tiny bit of the passion that I have. Honestly I’m so sad that I don’t have a flamenco friend - YET - to share this passion with:

What flamenco has taught/reminded me about life:

💃🏽life is full of dark and light - the secret is to accept and then to find your own movement, rhythm and style. Stick to this and just keep going, it may well hurt like hell at times, but eventually it all turns out ok in the end.

💃🏽owning your own space/taking up space is an essential skill for all performances - including work performances. You want to influence, look powerful, authoritative - learn to take space on a stage. This dance teaches you to do this better than any other in my humble opinion.

💃🏽we all hurt deep inside. Allow these feelings to surface, deal with them, get them out there. It is keeping things squashed inside that is really dangerous. They simmer and fester and come out anyhow - only in a way that damages ourselves, or others. Keep feeling, keep expressing, keep creating

💃🏽flamenco is frustrating, difficult to learn, you fall over, you get of step, you feel humiliated, you feel you’ve let your other dancers down/held them back… and then you keep going, you keep practising and suddenly everything falls into place and you are dancing/walking on air and it is the most joyful feeling that there is

💃🏽show up. Sometimes you don’t need to do anything else

💃🏽get out of your head and into your body - it’s a way better feeling and releases all that creative energy

💃🏽act - even if you feel very afraid, even if you don’t know where to start - do something

💃🏽mistakes are opportunities in disguise

💃🏽always prepare - but take risks, be curious, be open

I hope I’ve inspired you in some tiny way. In our Rock My Age coaching and retreats we so often see people stuck in emotions which is so obvious in the way they hold their bodies. This is limiting and uncomfortable. I’ll be sharing more tips in the weeks to come about how to work better with our bodies and in our summer retreats (fingers crossed) this is an area we will be focussing on. Releasing tension and getting comfortable in our bodies is so important to showing up as our best and most authentic selves.

Love to hear your comments, views, discussions or please do dm me if you feel like giving flamenco a go. If I can convert one flamenco fan through this article I will be beyond thrilled.

Buenas Noches and warmest love

Debbie 🌹

Listen to your intuition

take up space

stand tall and beautifully in your female power

fall down and fall again but never give up

the moves are unbelievably complicated and it so so frustrating - but when it falls

Yoga, sherry and lessons from midlife

Yesterday, the 22nd of October, was my birthday. And despite Boris Johnson trying to ruin it all by stuffing us Londoners into Tier 2 lockdown, it was a grand day indeed. Not much happened, but that’s how I like it nowadays. But in lots of ways so much happened - little cakes left on the doorstep, autumn bouquets through the door, lots of cards with jokes about gin (bit alarmed that very few cards didn’t mention gin), lots and lots of messages from people I’ve loved throughout the years. Then to end the day the most special, and socially distanced of course, dinner with my five best people in the whole world - the people I would die for in an instant and make up my lovely little family circle.

I learnt way back that it is the “small things”, always the seemingly “small things” that are the real magical ingredients of a good life. And these days I stop and take notice. I see in a friend’s face an adult lifetime of friendship, just looking at her I am drawn back onto that hill in Northern Italy where we danced in the late summer sunshine together to Dusty Springfield’s Son of a Preacher man. It opens a door in my mind back into youth where everything was full on colour, there were endless days and anything was possible. I no longer lament the loss of youth, instead I just feel so happy that I was there and felt those things.

Two school friends called - a warning here to younger people if you stay friends with these people you can never lie about your age and if you do, as I did once in a national newspaper of all places :( , you become the butt of jokes for years to come - but it just makes my heart sing hearing from women who have shared almost the whole life journey. Family and friends - it’s where it’s at and all the rest is really just stuff.

I fear I may have to join the Dolly Parton fan club to find other souls who get just how utterly brilliant she is.

And later we danced - me and him indoors. My birthday, so I chose the playlist. Barry White Sho’You Right , Luther Vandross Never Too Much , Tina Turner Private Dancer, Kylie Can’t Get You Out of my Head. Later we did The Jam Going Underground and Dexys Midnight Runners Come on Eileen - to me so evocative of us teenagers growing up in South London in the early 80s. After a few champagnes I tried to throw in a few country and western songs - I am such a fan but have never found anybody to share this with - but the horror on his face said it all and I gracefully moved on to a Van Morrison’s In the Garden - mainly to calm the mood. I fear I may have to join the Dolly Parton fan club to find other souls who get just how utterly brilliant she is.

So anyhow I woke up this morning and thought I know what I’ll do - I’m going to write down the 10 top lessons for life. I feel I’ve done a lot of stuff, and had a lot more stuff happen to me, maybe I’ve got something interesting/useful to say. So here goes:

Life lesson #1 “Most of the old moles I know wish they had listened less to their fears and more to their dreams”. Lesson one so beautifully captured in Charlie Mackesy’s The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse”. Incidentally I want to start a national campaign to ensure this book is made mandatory reading to every child, teenager and adult in the country. Through these extraordinary animations he captures in such simple terms how we should all live our lives and treat each other. On my Mother’s deathbed she left me with a similar thought “I don’t regret anything that I did; but I so regret all the things I wanted to do and didn’t”

Life lesson #2 All women by the time they’ve reached 40 should be encouraged/forced to read the following: Nora Ephron I feel bad about my neck’ absolutely anything by Dorothy Parker who said the best line of all time “I like to have a Martini, two at the most. After three I’m under the table. After four I’m under my host”. Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay, Bossypants by Tina Fey, absolutely anything by Marilynne Robinson, although I think that Housekeeping is my favourite, Middlemarch by George Elliot, The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy (to learn about character), End of the Affair by Graham Greene (on love and misunderstandings). Note to self to read NW by Zadie Smith and I’ve yet to get through Donna Tartt’s Goldfinch and I know that is an appalling admission. I love Everything I Know About Love from Dolly Alderton for younger women and Caitlin Moran is always worth listening to. Oh and absolutely everything and anything by Maya Angelou - listen to her perform But Still I rise. One of the most amazing performances of all time.

Life lesson #3 Do yoga from the age of 25. If that’s way too late start now. Yoga is simply a full medicine cabinet in one place. It treats your mind, your body and your spirit. You look better, you move better and your joints stop hurting so much. It is a complete no brainer for your health so please if you haven’t already, immediately go out and buy that mat and join the millions of people who do.

Life lesson #4 “There’s good in the worst of them and bad in the best of them” and “love everybody, but trust only a few”. All from my 5ft nothing Irish Grandma Mary McKay. 14 children and lost her husband in the war - but was the bravest, fiercest and funniest woman of all by all accounts. I never met her, as she died before I was born, but her wisdom and stories flood through the veins of my family. Her belief that we are all capable of good and bad is such a lovely way to view the world and it makes us all so much more compassionate, interconnected and allows us to forgive ourselves first and foremost and then to reach out to not be so judgemental of others. Not easy! But I so believe this is key to living well.

Life lesson #5 You can’t control what happens to you; but you always have a choice of how you respond. The essential message from “my bible” Man’s Search for Meaning by holocaust survivor and Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl . It is a seminal work on thriving, not merely surviving, after trauma and it changed my life. Also in this genre is The Choice by Edith Eger - again the message is that we always have the power to steer our own lives once we accept the choices that we have available at any given time.

Life lesson #6 Learn quickly to respond and not react. I wish I’d known this earlier. As soon as we react to others we are letting go of our own internal value and strength. Try hard, and it is hard, not to enter into other people’s dramas or bad moods. Identify your core beliefs and values and stay true to these whatever happens. I love the metaphor of tree pose in yoga. Standing firm and strong, with balance, at the root and then gently staying flexible so one can move with the moment - but never moving away from the root.

Life lesson #7 - Mind your own business :) Similar to the point above. But never let anybody decide for you when is not enough, when is too much, what you should be doing with your life, how to succeed and how to fail, how not to make a fool of yourself - making a fool of yourself is an essential skill in my humble option and we don’t do it nearly enough. If we are so terrified of making a fool of ourselves we get locked in a prison of other people’s expectations and beliefs and this is a very bad place to get to. If we want to live bold, magnificent and full on lives then pushing out of our comfort zones and keeping on challenging ourselves has got to be part of the mix. Safe, staid lives don’t do it for me and there is absolutely no time to waste. Do the internal work necessary, and it usually is necessary, to understand what you want to do with this precious life of yours and then tune into your inner voice - it is the greatest guide of all.

Life lesson #8 Take karma seriously. I promise you, and I’ve been doing my own little life study of this, people who keep doing bad things run out of road in the end. Take responsibility, say sorry when you need to and move on. Be ruthless around keeping everything around you in harmony with your own belief system. This means the way you look after your body and mind, including the things you watch/read/engage with, your home surroundings and the people you choose to spend time with. Not all relationships work and some run out of steam - be brave and keep your own standards. Letting go of things/people is sometimes the best, or only, option.

Life lesson #9 “I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.” Rosa Parks. Never be afraid to voice your truth however hard that may be, and sometimes it is inordinately hard. Never be afraid to be unpopular and ditch people pleasing as soon as you can. Never lie to yourself, your very soul is damaged when you do this.

Life lesson #10 “There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person”. Jane Austin Emma. Enough said.

…. and finally take this from me who has seen many children and young people not able to live the lives that were promised to them, getting old is an absolute privilege. Don’t waste a moment worrying about it. Love those lines like crazy, they mean you’ve lived to tell the tale. Dance lots, sing if you can, or do whatever fun pointless thing that makes you feel more alive, employ a great therapist, surround yourself with people who love you and you them and feel sorry for those who don’t - oh and enjoy that occasional tipple of your choice (within Govt guidelines of course)

Stay safe, stay happy and love to you all

Debbie x

Above all be the heroine of your life

.

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to take some of that trouble on behalf of other women.”

Nora Ephron

Ah forgive me, I’m feeling a little mischievous lately and more than a tad disruptive:). But only in the best possible way, of course. Oh and I just adore the writer and feminist Nora Ephron - a great read for women of all ages who are trying to navigate our many transitional female life phases with authenticity, integrity and last, but maybe most importantly, a large dose of humour and love.

“The purpose of life is a life on purpose”

— Dame Stephanie (Steve) Shirley

The incredible Dame Stephanie Shirley - a true Rock My Age woman

So last week I was speaking to the totally awesome Dame Stephanie (Steve) Shirley as part of our Rocking the Journey podcast (pls see full interviews in our in-conversation section). And she got me really thinking about what it means to “not be a lady”, disruption and writing our own story - and the link between the three and their impact on our self esteem.

Dame Stephanie knows a thing or two about disruption and writing one’s own narrative, especially as she launched her career at a time when women truly were second class citizens and in some places were still banned from working at all. She arrived in the UK during the second World War as an unaccompanied kindertransport child. She was five years old and was clutching her nine year old sister’s hand. One can only shudder imagining the horror of it all.

She went on to become one of our first female tech entrepreneurs, building up a company which employed an all women workforce and introduced flexible and home working way ahead of anybody else. She transferred this company into employee ownership and made 70 millionaires overnight.

After building up a personal fortune (according to one newspaper second only to the Queen although she disputes this) she went on to become one of our most generous philanthropists. She has been named by Radio 4 as one of the 100 most powerful women in the UK, has written a best selling book of her life Let it Go - soon to be made into a big screen film - she’s done numerous TED talks and at 86 years old is still very much part of the conversation.

In a warm, generous conversation that she had with me, she spoke so heartbreakingly about the effect her early trauma had had on her whole life, how she navigated life again after losing her only son Giles, and the impact that such a full life has taken on her and her family. She spoke with such honesty about mental health, vulnerability and about how giving her money away has given her so much more happiness than making it in the first place “The purpose of life is a life on purpose,” she says.

I guess she carved out her version of “being/or not being a lady” that had very little to do with the narrative of the time. And I guess in my work I want to urge all women to think hard about the narrative they want to live their lives by - and I mean really think, do that hard internal work that is required - and it’s never too late to do this btw - challenge ourselves our fears/our limitations and take life by the scruff of the neck and live with full vibrancy, courage and spirit.

But always, always, always, with kindness, consideration and an eye to helping all other women up at the same time. This is my personal mantra dear reader.

Expanding our circle of influence/control

I passionately believe that the first step towards this, if we haven’t already done this, is to double down on the concept of what is our circle of influence/control. Or as the ancient Greeks would say “know thyself” .

So here’s my confession, as a generally nosey person, I spent so many years worrying/trying to fix/giving unwanted opinions about other people’s lives. Worse still as a big animal lover I would torture myself with pictures on the internet of dogs and elephants being badly treated.

All this energy made me feel completely lousy and didn’t help anybody or anything at all.

Sure it was a great avoidance tactic - by focussing on things I couldn’t do anything about I didn’t have to look inside at my own discomfort of feeling lost in/or sometimes tortured by the World. A very skilled Counsellor rolled her eyes at my constant virtue signalling, told me to send money to an elephant charity of my choice and get on with looking at areas where I could actually make a difference/have impact.

Well that told me and after a bit of “she doesn’t understand me” I got on with it and haven’t looked back.

For more on your circle of influence/control please pick up Steven Covey’s excellent book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The theory in brief is the more time and energy you spend on the actual things you can control, and take focus away from the rest, the more in control you will feel and the more impact you will have in the World.

Such a simple but, if applied diligently to one’s own life, a real life changing idea.

Controlling the narrative

So many of the inspirational women that Erika and I are speaking to talk in some way or other about shaping their own path and ignoring a lot of conventional wisdom.

Choosing our own way, regardless of our circumstances, is the central message in “my bible” Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl, a holocaust surviver, who later became a psychiatrist was perhaps the best placed of all to demonstrate how a good life can still be achieved after one loses everything that ever mattered.

And dear reader, I’ve been there, lost it all - and the most important piece of advice that was given to me was: give yourself space and time to accept what has happened to you, make a plan and re-write your script accordingly and build this around your circle of influence.

And I did that too - one of my reasons behind launching this platform.

Oh and I might add, which is so important, in choosing our own way we may upset people and that is ok - we must never live a version of our lives that is dictated by anybody else. But we should never lose sight of acting with compassion, integrity and kindness. Being interconnected with our family, our friends and our community is central to good mental and emotional health and is what life is really all about. Getting the balance of these two things right is tricky but is where the real female magic can be fully unleashed.

Being a bitch queen is a sure signal to the world that you are way out of your circle of influence. Please always remember that when people behave badly it only says everything about them and absolutely nothing about you. Always, always, always disentangle yourself from other people’s drama.

Happy high status

Something else all of our interviewees demonstrate is what I call happy high status. It is that harmonious blend of getting the internal and external worlds aligned and acting entirely in line with one’s own values and purpose. This creates a powerful sense of authenticity and in my opinion is the ultimate longterm tool for persuasion, influence and real power (if that’s what you want).

In my years of coaching people to perform on camera, I always urge them towards this place. Once a person is entirely aligned and responds to life, rather than reacts to it, performing on any stage loses its fear factor. When one unleashes one’s authentic voice and personality the World really is a stage.

The problem is there are often blocks, erroneous beliefs at work that poison our performances. Hence the absolute essential foundation of impact training is identifying and calling out these blocks. On camera especially, one’s internal world is put under the microscope. Watch someone being interviewed on TV, politicians don’t count as they’ve been media trained to pulps of human beings, but look at the rest the camera really doesn’t lie. If somebody feels unsure, unworthy, unvalued it will show up.

So impact training always starts with the internal world. Once we get this right other skills such as body language, how to speak, lighting - can all be taught simply and easily. But the real change has to happen inside first - one has to feel worthy of having a voice/a say.

Look at people like Michelle Obama, Jacinda Ardern, the Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, Brene Brown - all relaxed, empathic, warm happy high status people.

Self worth is a female super power

Why oh why do women, in particular, struggle with this. Research proves time and again that women are harder on themselves than men. It is apparently why so many fewer women start businesses than men.

Now with this pernicious virus continuing to wreack havoc on our social, emotional, economic and physical wellbeing - we are hearing more and more how worried women are about the future. And when women get worried this often has a negative impact on their self worth.

Erika and I have been working over the Summer on a set of self-help tools, a mix of online independent learning and some face to face coaching sessions, aimed at empowering and inspiring women to look after themselves better, expand their circle of influence and live the best life they can despite our more limited landscape just at the moment

If you want to know more about these or our general executive and impact coaching please sign up to our website and get updates delivered direct to your inbox.

I want to leave you with one thought re self-worth. Stephen Fry this week said he refers to himself as a “person who acts and writes” and never “an actor” or “a writer”

I think this is such a sensible and useful approach to maintaining good mental health. We so often wrap ourselves in labels e.g. “John Smith’s wife” or “CEO/CFO/COO of this or that company” or - worse still in my opinion “a celebrity or influencer”. Understanding, accepting and celebrating who we are - without any fancy titles or labels - is in my opinion a foundation block for building resilience and well being and protects us for when that title shifts or slips - as it will as life is like that.

We love having you on our site, reading our stuff and engaging with our community. Please feel free to share our information with friends/colleagues who may need it, join our community at Facebook/rockmyage or follow us on instagram @gorockmyage.

Warmest love and stay safe

Debbie x

Madam, stand away from that bottle!

“I like to have a martini. Two at the most. After three I’m under the table. After four I’m under the host”

- Dorothy Parker

Sorry, that just makes me laugh so much.

But sadly there’s a serious point here and I’m finally taking my fingers out of my ears. I did try to skip through an article in this week’s Sunday Times, by the brilliant Adam Kay (former doctor and writer of This is Going to Hurt) on life after 40. The headline “It’s all downhill now, but how fast”, did not appeal I have to say. I just knew it - and there it was - the usual nagging advice about booze. Yes, yes I know “less is more”, have three alcohol free days a week and don’t drink more than 14 units a week. Don’t these medics realise just how flippin hard this is - especially with nothing else to do.

Honestly! have they really considered how little 14 units a week actually is and who in their right mind ever thinks that a single gin and tonic really cuts it. To be fair I was a little shaken when I realised that the “proper” G&T’s that my partner was pouring were actually quadruple measures (shit - even I think that’s bad).

Now I have an image of myself as a super health conscious, lithe yoga bunny, who mainlines meditation and matcha green tea. “yeah right” says my darling daughter with that maddening eye roll that she so perfected aged 14. Why didn’t anybody warn you that having daughters is not for the faint-hearted, nor if you want to rest into your dotage under the blissful illusion of past, or present, saintly behaviour.

In all honesty I do now live a really healthy life. I don’t believe that one can live their best possible life, or be emotionally and physically heathy living off a diet of junk food, social media and endless reality TV shows. I do think we all have to be very mindful of everything that we consumer - in all ways. But the drink thing - this is my last real battle. I’ve been kidding myself re the “little of what you fancy” - but that little has crept up into a daily habit. Not a big one, but enough to make me question can I get through a pandemic day without the six o’clock closing the day tipple.

And apparently I’m not alone. Waitrose says that 25 per cent of us have reported drinking more during lockdown. Meanwhile sales of liqueurs are up by 78%, cocktail ingredients are up by 48%, and tequila sales have almost doubled.

Yup the medical stuff on booze is very dispiriting (if you forgive the pun). So in line with guidance re cognitive behavioural therapy on habits, I’m flipping this round and going to focus on the positive stuff. Here goes. According to the Priory Group:

• After one week of no alcohol sleep improves. Apparently that dozing off thing after a glass or two means that you miss the important rapid eye movement (REM sleep). Apparently you are supposed to have between six and seven cycles of REM sleep a night, you typically only have one or two when you’ve been drinking.

• You lose weight and actually eat less. Sleep helps to balance the hormones that make you feel hungry or full. After drinking, your Ghrelin levels (the hormone that makes you feel hungry) go up and leptin (the hormones that make you feel full) go down.

• Wine is hugely fattening! My daily drinking of at least one glass of wine (175ml) a day adds up to a whopping 1,170 calories - equivalent to four burgers or six and a half bags of crisps.

• No more acid reflux - a real problem for a lot of people in middle age and aggravated by drink

• Money saved - I actually now have to look away as my penchant for a white Burgundy had embedded from a once in a while treat to “nothing else will do”. I can’t even admit the price to myself.

• better skin, better kidney, liver, heart health. Heavens if this was a magic health pill - this not drinking thing - we could all make a fortune.

But I do love a drink, and I’m Irish (it always feels like the ultimate excuse). And my friend Cesare, who’s a top research doctor and Italian (so he understands:) smiles when I ask “It’s going to kill me prematurely isn’t it.” He says something very noncommittal like: “well it’s always very complicated with these things… in moderation it could possibly be ok”. Note, he doesn’t say no.

I’m rather enjoying life and would love quite a few more years as I feel I have so much to do, so yesterday I made the commitment on a very moderate no drinking plan. Thinking of my SMART objectives, I reckoned that realistic needs to be factored in. So here I go THREE whole days a week with no alcohol. And I’m taking no chances, I’m following all the guidance - don’t go anywhere where there’s alcohol (the kitchen in my case), avoid people who you’ve normally drunk with (that’s all of my friends) and stick to a regime that provides something fun to do at the time you normally drink. Racking my brains about what to do at 6pm. Oh God this is going to be hard …..

I’ll keep you posted and maybe you’ll join me? I need some new non-drinking friends apparently and definitely lots and lots of encouragement

Warmest

Debbie x

p.s. Alcohol plays a part in 55% of domestic violence cases. As we’ve been told alcohol consumption and incidences of domestic violence have skyrocketed during lockdown. My Burgundy money is now going straight to www.womensaid.org.uk. A wonderful and hugely important organisation. This might just keep me on the straight and narrow.

Rock My Age sets out on its journey

"If you are always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.”

- Maya Angelou

And so today (23rd June, 2020) our Rock My Age journey takes off. Where it will go, we do not know. But we are certain that we are in for one hell of ride, as we seek to boldly step into fresh new territory around women and age!

Our mission is to create a space where women like us - spirited, curious, ambitious women - can lead/share/celebrate conversations/skills and wisdom around the pleasure that comes with being happy in the age we are in right now.

With lifestyle content, coaching and wise living retreats we are all about enhancing women's wellbeing and opportunities in life and work. We are passionate about rewriting the narrative on age and creating a positive legacy for the next generation of women.

Sure we want to shake things up a bit; but always with a wink and a smile (isn’t that our most potent female force - that heady combination of soft and strong but with a touch of humour). We want to call time, once and for all, on the mythical narrative that’s persistent in the media, that women would want to hide their age, or be obsessed with “looking younger” or be prevented from doing anything at all because of their age.

It is all nonsense! But we do recognise that some women sometimes feel less than, judged or discriminated against simply because of their age. This is not ok.

The figures and facts speak for themselves. Us midlife and older women are the healthiest and wealthiest of a generation. We have power ladies, loads of it. We think that the media, the advertisers, the marketeers are slowly waking up to this - budgets alone will drive their interest - but we think there’s a lot of work to do to ensure that all women, whatever their age, are empowered and inspired to live the life that they want to lead. And so many more of us are doing amazing new and different things with our lives - showing that life is full of wonder and magic at any age. It really is there for the taking.

We have a hunch that there are quite a few women out there who may want to join our ride? We so hope so and we are so looking forward to meeting more of you and hearing your amazing stories. One thing I know having worked as a journalist for so many years, women our age often have the best of all stories. And often full of laughter, humility and fun.

I guess Erika and I share a kind of bohemian spirit around our journey, our lives, the way we view the World. We want to live full on, unconventional lives right to the very end - but we are also driven by deep values of love, compassion, community and ethical living. We truly do believe, in the words of Madeleine Albright, “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

I believe that Erika and I were destined to meet. As our dear friend, and Master Yoga and Tai Chi “guru”Sue Woodd says “when we work on our internal worlds enough a soul knows a like minded soul when it finds it.” I think this speaks to the beautiful friendship that Erika and I have built and to the many many gorgeous women who we surround ourselves with. We will be showcasing so many of them/us on the Rock My Age Platform. Successful business women, women who lead in charitable sectors, entrepreneurs or women just doing amazing women things. We will dig deep beneath the surface to reveal the humanity and those golden nuggets of wisdom that these women have. We will build a rich depository of wisdom that we, or future generations, can dip into whenever we/they want.

But we are certainly not setting out to paint a rosey picture of midlife and the World in general. Gosh such bad things are happening now. But we do believe fundamentally in hope and lifting others up. We know through our own lives that sometimes the world goes very dark indeed and that ultimately we have very little control on external events. But we are driven and united in our belief that if we can get our internal worlds right well that is when the magic truly happens. We can live our best, our most luminous, most valuable life for every minute we are blessed to be on this earth.

Rock My Age is for you if you have a huge open curious heart, ambition and a passion for life long learning and development and/or if you just want come along and have a whole lot of fun.

Love,

Debbie x

Women in business - time to dial up the authority

“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players..”

Shakespeare, As You Like It

I did many things wrong as a Mother to daughters, but I think I got a few things right. I set out to give them utter belief in themselves and to take on the entrepreneurial spirit I’d inherited from immigrant family to “seize the day” - whatever day that may be. My eldest daughter’s rebellious spirit did not work in traditional education, but I think was the driving force to her scooping seven national young business woman of the year awards by the age of 25.

Now I spend my days supporting, skilling-up and empowering women of all ages to get out there and do what YOU want to do. Quit being defined by other people’s views, family attitudes or anything else that is holding you back. We are all too important, and life is way too short, to stop restrictive beliefs, nerves and sensitivities to get in our way. I believe that developing bounce back is absolutely critical for women to be able to live up to their full potential - research has shown that women’s ambitions are thwarted more than men’s because they take set backs too personally and judge themselves too harshly.

As a former onscreen news journalist and presenter I draw from many years in front of the camera in a rufty tufty male dominated environment, interviewing everybody from the great and the good to the man/woman on the street. Journalism is such a great place to develop bounce back as, most especially in daily news, you don’t have time to mull over mistakes and the only way to get anywhere is to keep on dusting yourself down and you get to realise pretty quickly that success or failure changes according to the time of day and the lens at which you choose to look down - it’s rarely terminal.

“I believe that developing bounce back is absolutely critical for women to be able to live up to their full potential - research has shown that women’s ambitions are thwarted more than men’s because they take set backs too personally and judge themselves too harshly”

I now spend my days supporting, coaching and empowering other women, of all ages, to take down the barriers that are preventing them from being all they want to be. As somebody who, I think it would be fair to say, has proved their bounce back and resilience after some pretty severe life knocks, I’m here to say that you really can get up again after anything. All you need is 1. to accept the reality of your circumstances, 2) adopt the right attitude and then 3) implement the right plan.

As we blink our eyes towards the post-Covid shifting landscape, us women will need the courage of our convictions more than ever before. The backdrop in which we are working and leading has changed dramatically and we can only guess that the pace of change is going to accelerate to a whole new level. Today, the average life span of companies on the S&P 500 index is under 20 years, down from 60 years in the 1950s.

Jobs for life went out way back when, so much more uncertainty as we see more big businesses collapse, old hierarchies dismantled and the relentless march of the gig economy. For some the flexibilities offer huge entrepreneurial opportunities, but we must not avert our gaze from the number of women, especially those with caring responsibilities, who seem to be suffering disproportionately with this new insecure workplace. I was especially horrified to read in this morning’s Times Newspaper that job candidates are being asked to enter a salary auction whereby the job is given to the person offering to work for the lowest amount of money! A whole new low in the gig economy, me thinks.

Us women have so much more work to do in campaigning for a far fairer world as in the infamous words of Madeleine Albright “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

How we all survive and thrive in this new world order is going to take some working out. I passionately believe in the need for regulation to ensure that women in the most difficult circumstances are not driven further down the economic scale. And I speak as somebody who was once a single parent with no job, no income and no childcare - despite a great private and university education and a well established profession - sometimes the stars align against us and fate just gives us a kicking. Anybody can fall given the wrong set of circumstances and it’s really good for us all to make this our mantra.

“I was especially horrified to read in this morning’s Times Newspaper that job candidates are being asked to enter a salary auction, whereby the job is given to the person offering to work for the lowest amount of money! A whole new low in the gig economy, me thinks.”

Now my business is about performance and showing up as our best possible selves. I am no fan of style over substance, but I also think that substance is unnecessarily neutered when it doesn’t have the right style to reach the right audiences. This stuff matters and it will matter more in a tougher economic/job market where we are all going to have to get better at flexing our personal/professional/business models and get out there and sell our wares. Every day in my business I work with women, and some men, who are being held back because of 1)an almost pathological fear of public speaking, 2)a reluctance to embrace vulnerability and inner reflection - also out of fear and 3)because they don’t realise how brilliant they actually are.

According to the Government’s Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy, female entrepreneurs could contribute £250 billion to the UK economy if they started and scaled their business at the same rate as men. Ladies we need to get out there and showcase our talents.

In the infamous words of Madeleine Albright “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

But there is one issue us women need to take more note of - and that is the tone of our conversations and engagement. However unfair this may seem, if we want to influence, up our authority and impact there are some rules to this game. Michelle Obama is a fabulous example of how this can be managed in an assertive manner. Like many women she had to beware of the “angry” “fist thumping” labels - behaviours that are lauded in men can be quickly turned against us as women and the result is people stop listening and engaging. In her Netflix documentary we are given a sneak preview into PR doing its magic as it kept her authenticity but dug deep to understand at a granular level how she was heard by the people she wanted to influence. Really interesting to note is how she embraced a whole new power wardrobe to inject the final touches to her mega-watt star quality. Her outfits are pure Elvis, Las Vegas - bold, audacious and gorgeous they command an audience to sit up and take notice. PR at its most wonderful, most powerful.

Want to work on your personal image and dial up that authority? Like everything there are pillars to great performance and to those who want to get up there with the professionals we cannot miss any part of the process - like fine design missing any part of the process will show up immediately in the final result.

• If you aren’t already, get familiar with Carol Dweck’s work on the growth mindset. Her fascinating research shows the link between success and people who have a passion for stretching themselves and sticking to it even (or especially) when it’s not going well. People with a growth mindset are also known to be happier with life and this mindset is the critical foundations for good performances.

• Preparation, preparation, preparation. Prepare your vision and then prepare some more. Keep on testing, flexing until you have that little pot of gold that you know captures the absolute essence of who you are and what you want to be. This is your armour on every and any stage.

• Take control of your stage and your God given props - a voice, a body, a face, eyes, ears, imagination and most important of all your heart. How do we work to ensure all of these are aligned to produce the perfect performance. Watch Marlon Brando in the God Father, Anna Magnani in Bellisima (1951) - craftsmen playing every chord in tune.

See personal impact for more on our coaching, workshops and bespoke training.

Debbie

Hey reader down in my girl shed I’ve found a new cool meaning of life

“The egoless child is still calmly sitting inside each of us. Buried in layers over layers of lies, egos, and personas. Happy nonetheless. Waiting to be found. Let out” ― Mo Gawdat, Solve For Happy: Engineering Your Path to Uncovering the Joy Inside You

“I’m a trained extrovert,” says Mo Gawdat, former chief business officer of Google X, an entrepreneur, author of the book Solve for Happy, and officially the coolest guy on the planet.

Gawdat thinks there are a hell of a lot of us trained extroverts out there and that we are all suffering a lot because of it. He talks of how we’ve designed an uber-extrovert World where we avoid the real thinking and creativity and instead turn to our quick fixes of constant hook-ups, networking, meetings, conference calls, dinner parties, conferences, coffee breaks … and this is before we even get into social media.

It’s tough on introverts. Maybe it’s tough on everyone. I was watching twitter addict Trump and I was overcome by a deep sadness for him as a human being (no I haven’t lost my mind) I just felt how horrible it would be to be inside his manic reactive head. I fundamentally agree with the Dalai Lama when he says the true nature of all of us is compassionate and kind. It’s hurt that gets in the way and is the root cause of making people behave so badly. Underneath there could be a very hurt little child. 

Once we get this idea it is incredibly difficult to hate anybody. And by not hating we can clean up our own souls and heart and allow all the good things in. Not hating is as much for our benefit as for everybody else. 

Having thought carefully about this action orientated behaviour, I agree that every time I reach for that coffee break I’m indulging in some kind of addictive behaviour. And that this behaviour is fundamentally bad for me. It is seriously impacting on the quality of my thoughts, my imagination and my ability to be all I can be in the World. 

It’s got to change. 

I’ve read Gawdat and loved him for a while. But I found something more from him when a friend sent me a recent Guardian Newspaper The Upside Podcast: In conversation with Mo Gawdat and it’s had an extraordinary effect on me. The Guardian’s mission to provide “a dose of optimism” during these challenging times is journalism at its best and most thoughtful. Wonderful!

Gawdat speaks in his usual modest, beautiful and thoughtful manner about how really in the West we don’t have much to complain about – even with COVID-19. Life is fundamentally risky and he talks a lot about his equation for happiness = one’s perception of reality MINUS expectations. His thoughts on the “game of life” are fascinating and he has lots and lots to say about how any kind of human control on anything is largely an illusion. I want to go back to his thoughts on the link with happiness and chaos theory as I think science has so much to show us in this area. 

It got me thinking hard about the paradox of this lockdown thing. On the face of it it is so terrible – yet I’ve certainly personally lived through worse. But I’ve found a most golden core, peace and silence at it’s heart that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. I largely view it as the ultimate opportunity for self development and to face my demons – of which there remain quite a few.

But then on Sunday it all fell apart for me. It’s always bad on a Sunday – maybe it’s a Catholic thing.

I felt I was “starving to death” from the lack of human contact and fantasised about dashing back to London, touching and hugging every human being I could find (don’t worry I was aware it was a mad dream), get coffees – loads of them – and drink them all day in busy parks.

In reality the most I was contemplating was a return to the City as the silence of the countryside was becoming way “too loud” for me.

And then I remembered Gawdat’s words and the thoughts expressed around loneliness of almost every philosopher and psychologist I’ve read or met. And the words of the Dalai Lama in The Art of Happiness. It’s at that point of discomfort where the real learning begins. It’s what we find most difficult that is where our real teacher lies but only if we want to listen – and for me the big elephants in the room have been and are always loneliness or a fear of missing out. 

I’ve never really seen myself as being addicted to anything – apart from cake – but I can imagine it is at this pain point that the addiction kicks in. Isn’t it that deep empty loneliness, longing for some kind of love/comfort/relief that gets us all sometimes. We cannot stay with that thought a moment longer as it will rise up and swallow us hole…the whole fabric of our body and soul is telling us to get the hell out of there. 

No wonder some people turn to a drug of some kind as a balm to soothe that childlike pain. If we accept that we are all addicts in some shape or form I believe that it makes us so much less judgemental towards those poor souls who cannot face the pain just now. Whatever has happened in their childhoods must have been so terrible to numb the self protective stop button. 

I may not be an addict of the usual substances, but I’ve re-thought my World and think I am an addict in terms of connection. Yup that is me Sir – stopping what I’m writing because it hurts too much, reaching for the phone because I can’t stand to be in my own head for one second longer. Stopping thinking because gets hard. Trying to get touch points through social media because – well just because I feel so lost and alone.

This time I didn’t act, because I was aware it was through acting that I would be giving in to the addiction. I sat with the discomfort and it felt really horrible. I felt all of those nasty emotions we try to smother – loss, envy, anger, hate. The urge to just run away as fast as I could to somewhere I didn’t know where. We all have them, these funny feelings, and it’s denying them, the psychologists tell us, is what provides that one way street to anger, depression and the need to hurt other people. 

Finding stillness at that moment was the most courageous thing I have done for quite some time. I faced down the feelings and didn’t run and boy I felt like I’d conquered the World – I felt I’d tasted the best drug on earth. It was great. 

Bonus – there were no after effects – I woke the next day with a kind of lightness and stillness that is quite new for me. Then got to work with a new gusto, it’s like actions and words started to flow out of me. The more I work on myself the more I get closer to that wonderful and illusive state of flow – also known colloquially as being in the zone and is the mental state when a person is fully immersed in a feeling or energised focus. 

The more I work on this stuff the better I understand management guru Stephen Covey’s idea of the circle of influence vs the circle of concern as outlined in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Like many people I’d spent years in my circle of concern boring anybody who’d listen about my worries about – well just about everything in the World. But gradually I’ve been drawing in to my much smaller circle of influence. Bit of a shock first of all about just how small that is – but it is, believe me, the door to incredible riches.

The more I focus on myself, my values, my reason to be in this World the less I care what other people think of me. Hey none of us are everybody’s cup of tea – but I have found the more I know myself the more I draw the kind of people I want into my inner circle. It creates the most amazing feeling of certainty and freedom – it’s like getting my own brand values aligned and right. The more I write for myself, the more letters I get from others saying “Hey me too, I feel like that …” The less I make manic efforts to connect, the more I feel connected to the people who really matter. The more I face down my demons the less interest I have in joining anybody else in any kind of battle with theirs.

Finally dear reader, if you wish to join me, I’m joining the slow movement as I really think this is where it’s at now. Don’t expect too much from me as I’ve been a very well trained extrovert for quite a few years. I got a bit clever by being a voracious reader so I’m going to read and read and summarise for you if you’d care to know more. And I’m going to capture those funny, simple little daily things that put a smile on my face and maybe yours. Here goes:

• chasing three naughty lambs – for the 5th time – today who had escaped from a farmers field. It’s always the same three and they always give me a very ungrateful kick as I kindly lift them back over the fence to safety. Naughty but gorgeous. 

• listening to Bruce Springsteen’s The Wish on my morning run. I challenge any Mother of boys, or any boy who loved his Mother, not to weep with words like “if pa’s eyes were windows into a world so deadly and true. You couldn’t stop me from looking but you kept me from crawling through.” The whole album is divine

• The rose that is growing up the side of the house and the delicate pink flowers that are peeking through my window are the first thing I see each morning. Could almost make one believe in God.

• The new documentary Home on Apple TV. The ultimate in slow living and unveils the boundary pushing imagination of the visionaries who dare to build a home of their dreams. Lots of ethical and sustainable building and focussing on the wonderful interplay of man’s work and nature. Hours of bliss.

Have a lovely week and see you soon.

Debbie x

Reflections on being a woman in Branding

I wasn’t clear whether the experiences of women in branding is that different from those of men – and I also recognize that my own experience as a woman in branding, brings a limited perspective.

As a founder and CEO of a brand consultancy I haven’t had to report into people, nor climbed the ‘corporate ladder’ or had to experience applying for a role in a male-dominated industry. I have been in a privileged position to both direct the vision and strategy of my own business, and also to have a voice as an outside, objective and experienced consultant on clients’ projects. I recognize this is not the experience that all women have in branding – nor as I have reflected, is it the experience I have witnessed for many of those women Brand Directors I have worked with. Whilst brand has increasingly become a board room conversation over the last 20 years, it seems Brand Directors still struggle to strongly influence strategy and transformation.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“Any human face is a claim on you, because you can’t help but understand the singularity of it, the courage and loneliness of it.”

― Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

Is it me or is it getting tough out there. I sense a shifting in the collective emotional state, as we gingerly stagger back into some kind of life. This thing hasn’t gone away so how are we supposed to navigate this “new normal”? Maybe, for some, if we weren’t directly impacted by this terrible thing, lockdown was fun at first. Maybe, a much needed reset on our mad mad world – but somewhere along the way I feel many of us have lost our footing and our heart aches at not being able to hug our family and friends, share that coffee, watch a film. 

Oh the good old days, eh.

But most importantly how are you dear reader? No really, forget the “fine thanks”, how are you really doing? Does anyone ask you and if you dared to speak your truth would they stay and not turn away? Is there another human being who catches your eye and reassures just with a gentle smile “We’ll be ok. This too will pass”. Do they know exactly how you like your tea, your toast, the favourite cup, the right plate for each meal because – well just because that’s how love works.

Love and friendship, what jewels they are in life. As C.S Lewis says in The Four Loves “Friendship is born the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself..”

It is never too late to connect. All one has to do is open up in the right circumstances to the right people and hey presto another human being to walk alongside you and to share your joys and your pain. Of course it doesn’t have to be a lover – although they are always nice to have – it can be a friend, a neighbour, a volunteer or even a help line. The key, I feel, is to recognise our own vulnerability and accept that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to ask for help.

Life is so terribly hard sometimes. Sometimes we just need credit for showing up.

It’s the little things don’t you think? I lost interest in grand gestures, chasing perfection, acquiring more and more things way back when. They’d lost their razzle dazzle, for me, but in giving up I opened up my world to something way more unpredictable, seemingly smaller at first but ultimately so much richer.

I try to continually notice “the small things” and the more I notice the larger and more magical they become. Witnessing my daughter’s courage in standing up for the right thing always, (she doesn’t realise how brave she is), when a friend calls just to check in and share a little news, when he places a single flower next to my mandatory 6pm glass of something nice. They all make my heart sing and speak to a childlike place deep inside me that sometimes worries that “I did it all wrong” and “I’m not enough as I am”. Don’t we all have that place?

Ouch that was scary admitting that to you. I’m a strong, feisty woman who’s got it sorted. Right! But scratch the surface and, like you I suspect, I yearn to belong, to be accepted, to be liked for just the way I am. Isn’t this the human vulnerability that Brene Brown urges us to embrace if we are to make the best and deepest connections. 

I quit judging a long while back, as I think judgment is the single biggest barrier to connections. And hey I’m so very far from perfect/sorted, I felt it wasn’t a great strategy to live by. I work hard to embrace humility and another of my regular mediations is drawn from those wonderful Leonard Cohen words “there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

Philosophy, the Stoics and Aristotle have a lot to teach us here. If you want a manual for leading a good life it’s all there for the taking. The ancient Greeks have so much to tell us about judgement and accepting our fellow man. Central to their belief here is that all of us could quite easily come apart if ever events chose to make that happen. Fate, they believed, was so often out of our hands.

This is the opposite of the black and white morality pedalled by our Western society and most especially by our tabloid press (I’m guessing Piers Morgan is not a fan of the Stoics). They lie when they tell us that if we just work hard enough, bounce back from life’s knocks, develop resilience – they say it’s all in our hands. They are wrong. 

What if, as hard as we tried, we don’t recover from cancer, our business fails and we can’t start it again, what happens when we get old, lonely, sick and we need to rely on people to help us? At the end of the day thing are going to end badly for us in one way or another. As Clive James said “nobody gets out of here alive”.

To keep the idea of fate at the front of the collective imagination the Ancient Greeks developed a particular kind of art form: tragic drama. Tragedy is seen as the sympathetic, morally complex account of how good people can end up is disastrous circumstances. They thought that people should continually see this happening to counter their otherwise strong inclinations to judge and to moralise.

Such a great lesson isn’t it. If we quit judging we can open up our hearts and start really listening. And if we all did that more maybe we’d all live in a place like New Zealand that seems to be headed by one of the most decent, sensible and clever politicians of all time. Oh, and she’s a woman:) 

My friends embrace vulnerability, embrace humility and love as much as you can. It’s a much more fun, joyous way to live. Surround yourself with quality people and hate the bad behaviour, but never the person. We too are horrible sometimes aren’t we? My Grand Mother apparently used to say “There’s good in the worst of them and bad in the best”. My family story is that she never turned anybody away from the family dinner table whatever “their crime”. 

I never met my Grand Mother, as she died before I was born. But I love whispering her name Mary McKay. A Southern Irish woman who married a man from the North – ha the rebel spirit started early in my bloodline. But the more I learn about this five foot tall woman, who bore 14 children and lost her husband in the Second World War, the more I think how cool was she. I feel her warmth, love and indomitable spirit flooding through my veins. But mostly I witness her kindness and empathy in all of my family. 

I think people are really struggling now. Not me so much as for once, for now, I’m on the right side of fate. But I remember so well what it felt like when I wasn’t. I think we all need to be terribly careful with each other and kinder and more compassionate than we’ve ever been. We have no idea what is really going on behind those strained faces, closed doors, or reassurances of “oh it’s fine”. A smile, an understanding word and no preaching – that’s the way to go. 

It could literally save somebody’s life.

Stay safe all.

Debbie xx

“I will be calm. I will be mistress of myself”

Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility 

Calm is such a beautiful word, don’t you think? Just whispering it softly could make one believe that everything really will be ok. Words are such a passion for me. I have a “bag” of favourite words at home and in there you will find “grace”, “dignity” “serendipity” “cherish” “love” “epiphany” and my children’s, my grandchildren’s and my parent’s names. I’m actually not sure that there is anything quite as moving as the names of one’s own family. My Mother was christened Norah McKay – she absolutely hated it, but now I think it’s pretty cool.

Something I have discovered in this weird period of lockdown is a growing passion for some of the writers I’d previously spurned. Take Jane Austen, why did I not know how totally brilliant she was and that she knew everything you needed to know about being a woman at any age. And as I’m just into the first chapter of Middlemarch – I know I know I feel totally ashamed that I hadn’t read it before – I feel I’m on a whole new literary journey into the wonder and excitement of female writers throughout the centuries.

You see back in the day I was a Thomas Hardy girl all the way and can proudly boast to have read The Mayor of Casterbridge 20 times before I was 25. Yes really, and that was cover to cover. I was obsessed with Graham Greene, although I never got why anyone would actually choose to be a Catholic, and his treatment of moral ambiguities in political settings. I still relive the dark haunting magic of  Brighton Rock, when I visit the South Coast seaside town. And yes I even had a thing for Hemingway (I know a bad choice for a woman’s woman but have you read Old Man and the Sea –pure gold).

I guess back then, as the brooding, lost and quite lonely young woman I was, I was deeply touched and strangely comforted by Hardy’s pessimistic view of the world. And I still weep at one of my all time favourite lines:

“Susan is pretty, but her face often has the hard, half-hearted expression on one who expects the worst.”

And this line got me thinking is there really anything so wrong in expecting the worst? Sometimes my greatest emotional difficulties in life have been caused when life hasn’t lived up to my hugely inflated aspirations of what it “should” be delivering. I think I actually got happy when I stopped investing in the future and realised we seldom have any control over much at all. Terrible things have always happened and I’m guessing always will. Whoever would have thought that that COVID-19 would be such a close neighbour – well actually Bill Gates did but that’s another story.

This acceptance idea really isn’t as grim a thought as it seems. Having studied Yoga, and the philosophy of yoga, for many years (I’m still very much an amateur) I have worked continually, and often very badly, in the pursuit of trying to live in the present. It certainly is a hard gig this “present living” and so often I drift off course lamenting “oh why oh why didn’t I take that dream job that would have transformed everything …blah blah blah. And, of course, if I could just have that house, life, cake, handbag … then everything will be just fine. 

But, like a stream gently pounding away as it slowly and surely changes the form of the rock, continually drawing back into the present moment starts to change the shape of the mind. In the sublime Hindu scripture The Bhagavad Gita the mind is likened to a chariot of wild horses. One has to keep drawing in the reigns to gain control and keep the whole thing steady. And this really is lifelong work.

If you suffer, and I mean to use this word, from a very active mind like I do, I wholeheartedly recommend that, like me, you meditate on this idea every single day for the rest of your life:) It seems that there is never so many quick fixes with this mind stuff – one just has to keep coming back time and again. But when the medicine starts to work boy it is the most life changing/exciting trip I’ve ever been on. 

I’m here to tell you after 10 years of meditation, I have transformed myself from a ruthlessly ambitious, neurotic, obsessive worrying hypochondriac into a normal-ish person. Most beautiful of all however is that I now feel at peace in my own skin. I would not trade this feeling for all the tea in China. It is as good as it gets.

Now young people, listen up, maybe you are lucky and you already feel this – I don’t have the evidence but I suspect if you do you are in the very fortunate minority here. But do not lose heart if you haven’t. Do not believe them when they say you are so exciting, such fun, so attractive, make things happen. If all the air, life and joy leave your body when you close that bedroom door then I have something else way more beautiful for you to believe in.

On the outside I had great life in my 20s and 30s, on the inside I was like an empty shell. But due to the work I’ve done on the inside, I now steer away from drama but my life has never been so exciting. I’m getting old now, but feel so young, vibrant and curious. I rarely worry about things going wrong, because the worst has already happened to me and whilst life is great now at some point in the future it will all go wrong again. It’s just how it works. Whilst I’d do anything not to be alone when I was young, now I choose to spend a lot of time alone yet I’ve never felt less lonely. I have lines around my eyes, my hair is shimmering with silver white strands and I’m way podgier than I would like – yet I’ve never felt more beautiful.

Oh I wish I could bag these ingredients for a wonder cure for any kind of misery and angst and give them back to my young self. I wish I could give them to you if you are struggling at whatever age you are at. It really is there for the taking. I think I’m talking most about serenity and non-attachment. Of course one has to adhere to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – I’m not sure how much serenity can be found in Syria right now or any other war torn county. But if we have enough health, enough wealth, enough love we really have won the lottery. And yes even in lockdown.

So yup I’m getting bored now – maybe like you. I miss my family, my friends, my two little Grandchildren. But I’ve learnt, through my difficulties, that boredom is a great teacher and forces one to get creative. Apart from loving my new book I’ve taken to teaching my Grandchildren each night just for 15 minutes on zoom. We’ve done elephants, giraffes and planets and now dipping into biology. Seeing their little faces drinking in the weird and wonderful facts about our lovely lovely World, makes me feel like I’ve won the lottery. Reminder to self to write this in my gratitude diary.

If we get our mind right, everything else flows. And this is what I now have written above my desk. My mantra.

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Stay safe, stay well and stay kind

Debbie x

Once we accept loneliness, we can get creative

Loneliness makes us more capable of true intimacy if ever better opportunities do come along. It heightens the conversations we have with ourselves, it gives us a character. We don’t repeat what everyone else thinks. We develop a point of view. We might be isolated for now, but we’ll be capable of far closer, more interesting bonds with anyone we do eventually locate.

The School of Life

I’ve always been lonely. I think it’s part of the very fabric of my character, as it seems to have permeated every stage of my life. I used to be embarrassed about admitting it – doesn’t it ooze the idea of the unwanted/the misfit/the pitiful – but for many years I have been working on accepting it.

I think that loneliness is very much central to the complexity of humanity. How can we be anything but lonely when we are born alone, die alone and really truly can anyone really understand us? And for that matter can we ever truly understand anybody else? Part of the rich tapestry of life – we are actually all so terribly interesting. And if we are all really lonely then surely that doesn’t make us feel so alone. 

What I do know is that false company, false rainbows and false activities are a waste of this precious life and a one way street to misery. I ditched them long ago and I’m so grateful that I did. The phone didn’t ring so much, the party invitations dried up and there were a few hairy moments when people didn’t like the direction I was going in. I had to hold very very tight at times and keep my eye on the prize ahead – to live an entirely authentic meaningful life and, is Maya Angelou’s words, to live it with some style. 

I spent 10 years working on myself – yup that long this internal stuff is hard hard work. I unwrapped, unpeeled, ditched, burnt all the messages that I didn’t want anymore. i went deep, and then when I was brave enough deeper still. I wrote, and wrote and wrote. I meditated and meditated some more. I spent years reading every psychology, philosophy, theology book I could get my hands on. My late husband once challenged the guy in the local Waterstones to” find one self-help book in here that my wife hasn’t read.” – to be fair he did, but it was a close run thing.

And then my daughter died and so did part of me. I had to start all over again.

But the work I had done permeated really deep and was a fundamental part of me learning to live again. They say you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child. I think that’s right and I’m still not exactly sure where that leaves us bereaved Mothers.

So there was me smugly thinking that all the work I’d done would kind of cushion me in this lockdown. I’ve made friends with loneliness and reframed it as an essential part of my creative mind. To be honest I’m not sure I’ve ever met a writer or other artist who shies away from being alone. I think the trick to all this is in the wording – alone/solitude good. Lonely – not so much. 

But this lockdown thing presents a whole new challenge me thinks. As the external landscape has temporarily disappeared from view, the vaults of my mind seem to be swinging open again. And in there, for me at least, is a whole load of messy bits that could do with a good tidying up again. Above all else I feel the whispers of the past calling me again – back into the choppy waters of grief.

And so I will stay a while as I know so well that to do anything less would be a very bad idea. The School of Life (wonderful organisation) says insomnia is the revenge for all that we try so hard not to resolve in the daylight. I think the same applies to depression, unhappiness and loss of purpose/joy – our subconscious is such a powerful tool it will keep shout and roar at us until we stop and take notice.

I revisit so much of what happened with my daughter and I try and sit with the pain again and again. Sometimes it’s jagged edges soften a little, but other times I just have to take the stabs again and again into my heart. You see the pain of the loss really is equal to the strength of the love and it never goes away. But you know what that’s ok I never want it to. And this time I find myself planning a little gold pendant that I can wear around my neck, next to my heart, with her name on it. And that feels a really nice thought. And off I go again into the normal cadence of another day. 

It’s all ok. It really is. 

So many of us have our own griefs and losses don’t you think? Not always of a person, sometimes of a dream, a missed opportunity, our youth, our potential. This life thing is a tough gig. And maybe with all this space, your mind too is starting to crack open and invite you deep within….. terrifying/thrilling/inviting all at the same time.

Julia Cameron, one of the original self help gurus, says in her beautiful book The Artist’s Way “it feels like now is a good time for people to find their inner lives.” I half envy some of you who may just be starting out. You’ve got a cracking adventure ahead ..

In no way do I want to divert from the horror of this pandemic, of the lives lost in the most dreadful ways. But is it not also holding a giant mirror up to us all and our mad mad lives. Recent research shows that only 9% of people want to return to their pre-Covid lives. Whatever were we all doing that makes lockdown seem so appealing. Madness.

For me I have lived a gentler, quieter life ever since my daughter died. As I’ve said before it changed me at such a fundamental level. My brain was rewired then for kindness, compassion and connection. So strangely the more I let go of things, the more a beautiful space emerged where so many other things could grow and flourish. It was like I had stripped back some land and could now choose which crops to tend to create my life. The life I wanted to live.

I often retreat from the World to write and it gives me the deepest pleasure of almost anything else. And the more I have found my authentic voice, the more people talk to me, write to me, make friends with me. This all happened because I stopped listening to outside voices and instead made my own voice my best friend. So just as I was making friends with loneliness, I now have more connections with so many people across the World. 

I also don’t mean to dismiss the pain of loneliness – and I am fortunate in so many ways as I so often choose this way of living. My heart literally breaks for the people who are trapped into lives where they have no human contact. Shame on us all for allowing any other human being to feel like this.

There’s this great new book out (I highly recommend it) Together: Loneliness Health and What Happens When We Find Connection by Vivek H Murthy. He repeats some of the dismal statistics on loneliness such as a 2009 study that showed the health impact of loneliness is the same as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. A 2013 poll showed that 76% of GPs in Britain said they saw between one and five patients a day whose visit was primarily driven by loneliness.

In my desperate times there have always been those magical people who just showed up and don’t go away. They haven’t tried to fix anything, they are just there and have walked beside me until things got a little better. And they are not always the people you expect – one of my greatest companions had been a work colleague I’d found an absolute nightmare. Another lesson there – let go of judgement – we really have no idea what other people are going through.

So like so many of my musings I come back at the end to love. To love, compassion and connection. If we all keep just showing up for our family, our friends, our community, I think that’s about as good as it can get. And just maybe so many more of us are being reminded of the real magic of this funny old life.

Please keep writing to me. I absolutely love hearing your thoughts and stories.

With all my love,

Debbie xx

“A Diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure”

Henry Kissinger 

Oh no my hair is going white. Yes, actually white! There are some little known advantages of having been a redheaded child. Once you choose to forget the constant claims that you have a bad temper (I don’t) and you suit green (I don’t). Apparently – and this is backed by research (not sure why they did this) – but us redheads feel less pain (true), have better immune systems (don’t intend to test this one in the current climate) and we lose our hair colour later in life and when it goes it goes snowy white (both true I’m now finding). 

I’m guessing many of you out there are, like me, being re-acquainted by our midlife natural hair colour. And it’s proving a bit of a surprise, but maybe not as bad as we had once thought.

Ok I admit to a flicker of terror when the white first emerged. But then I caught a glimpse in a window, in the sunlight, and thought actually I can see a little Hollywood glamour there. Few days in I suddenly felt incredibly empowered – I can do this. I can go white and still be me and maybe even a better more authentic version of me. It felt not just ok, it felt good.

I’ve got this thing about the media narrative on age. The talk of demise, the horrors of menopause, decay, endings, empty nests, anti-ageing, turning back time … how boring and what nonsense. Sure things change and I do know some people have a horrible time with hormones. But for heavens sake there is so so much more to the un-chartered territory of age in this time – isn’t it all way more interesting than that? 

With my history, believe me, I find it an absolute privilege to have reached the age of 56 and still feel (for now) in pretty good nick. I remember once shaving a couple of years off of my age for some fashion feature – yuck it just felt so horrible. It was as if I was lying to my own body and soul. The worst thing about not embracing one’s real age is the damage it does to our own authenticity and our own self esteem – it’s letting the shame message seep in and this is very bad for our mental health. 

I’m so bored with sayings like “50 is the new 40″.  It isn’t. Us humans last for a certain number of years and whilst this might be increasing, it’s not by much. I love that slogan “50 is the new 50”  and really is there anything more sexy than that sassy confidence that comes with owning it and not giving a damn. 

I’m not sure that there’s been a better time to celebrate just being alive, well and emotionally healthy. One of my life’s achievements is surviving. Trauma changed me completely. It made me: a better person, a nicer person and it gave me the ability to lead a better more joyful life. As they say “there’s a rainbow in every cloud” – but only if you want there to be. 

Don’t we need a whole new truthful conversation about what it means to be the age that we are in. Speaking personally I want to know about the joy of being alive, embracing our lucky lives, being confident in our skin, passing down wisdom, falling in love again at any age, watching our families grow or loving our friends a little more each year as we know that this life thing is pretty unpredictable.

I look at the lines around my eyes and I can see pain, magic and love etched in each one. I have them because I’ve lived quite a few years and done quite a few things in that time – that makes me proud, not ashamed. I look at the tubbiness around my, once washboard, tummy and I feel so blessed that I was able to have two children. I look at my white hair – natural highlights that will save me a fortune – and think ah another mark of time moving on. I think of Helen Mirren, Honour Blackman (RIP), Emmylou Harris, Jamie Lee Curtis and how beautiful they all look. It’s all ok. 

And then I think of that Kissinger quote and feel so passionately that the real loveliness of any human being so often comes out after really testing times. There’s such a dignity in resilience and survival and it’s all so interesting. Who knows what the challenge of these times will leave behind in our own bodies and souls. 

I was enthralled by a beautiful article in this week’s Sunday Times by the palliative care doctor and author Rachel Clarke (I do think people who care for others at the end of life have so much to say about living one’s best life.) Titled “Finding light in the darkness” she points out that facing up to our own mortality is something many of us have never had to do until now. I was so delighted to hear her add, what I have believed for so long, that “when we do life becomes imbued with such joy”. 

As I’ve said before I’ve spent many years researching, writing and thinking about death. At first it was forced upon me, but the more I looked and refused to turn away, the more interesting it all became. I can honestly say that it is this work, above anything else, that has given me the sheer grit and determination to never sweat the small stuff, forgive quickly, not enter anybody else’s drama and love as much and as often as I can. 

It’s a great lesson. But I do know it can be too brutal an idea for many, especially in the current climate. So I will pipe down with my almost evangelical beliefs around daily meditations on death. Instead, if you don’t already, may I recommend meditating on the more gentle idea that time is short for all of us and we are all just passing through – as only then will the doors of your mind swing open and your real path – untarnished by external stuff – will make itself known. Peace and happiness are an inside job and we now all have the time to do the required internal work. How exciting is that.

And finally I leave you with thoughts of my two of my new loves – a 6pm gin and tonic (just one) and the English Poet Ted Hughes. I’ve always wanted to immerse myself in his work – and now in lockdown I’ve been able to do just that. I absolutely love what he says about living and I hope you enjoy it too:

“The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing that people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.”

Happy, peaceful Easter to you all.

Debbie xxx

We can’t direct the wind; but we can adjust the sails

summer house, paraffin light and a wireless – so 1970s

Oh I thought I was a city girl at heart. Now, I’m not so sure. London is my City, it’s rooted into my heart. The vibrancy, the cultural mix, theatre on your doorstep, the cool urban fashion, the arts, the people – in more normal times it is an intellectual and cultural nirvana. Sure, it’s a bit stand off-ish, reserved and maybe even a bit brash – but stay a while and look deeply and you will find it has a great big warm soul. It’s hard making friends in cities, but be sure if you make a Londoner your friend it will be for life. There’s a decency and honesty to this liberal City, which always makes me hopeful (even in the current situation). And I speak as a woman of proud Irish origin who has adopted this great City as my own – and if you know anything about the Irish of my generation this is a compliment indeed. 

Now for the past month I’ve been hanging out in the English countryside (half necessity half choice) and I’ve found, to my utter delight and surprise, a whole new way of living and feeling. 

Let me rewind a moment and set some context. I have history with self isolating so I’ve learnt a thing or two about living like this. Maybe like you dear reader, I’ve also seen life turn very dark and very frightening in the blink of an eye. I learnt long ago that one can rage and rage and the universe does not always speak back. Events unfold and us humans are so often left vulnerable and defenceless. There is no fairness, no justice – it just is what it is.

When my little girl was ill, I dared the Gods in heaven to take me on – a Mother half mad with grief for what she thought should have been. I almost heard them laugh and whisper “Who are you to think you are so special. Who are you to think you have any control.” 

I didn’t and I was swept along in the debris that was left after they’d finished with me and my family. But I did learn something very precious, that is serving me well in these difficult days. In Maya Angelou’s words “if you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

I spent three years in and out of self-isolation with my daughter. It was hell, heart-breaking and completely magical. It was all of those things – sometimes at the same time. But the real beauty of the moment only emerged when I gave up trying to change things and instead looked for the hope and joy in every moment.

And we found it – we found so much of it. First I had to drop any silly illusions of grandeur – nobody cared what I did for a living or how successful I thought I’d been – it was of no interest and of no help. Then I had to give up on time and any expectation that anything would happen. I lived for many weeks, months and even years in my house and quite often in her bedroom. The World kept on turning and I often didn’t know if it was day or night. 

Here’s the strangest thing – looking back I had some of the happiest times of my life – they were certainly amongst the most deeply spiritual times where I saw up close and very personal what really mattered. Family, friends came by and stayed. Instead of clock watching, we stopped and nestled into each other. We talked, we read poetry, watched TV, played games, looked at the stars, baked and sometimes just did nothing. 

And here we are again, but this time it’s all of us in it together – no place to run. To me this seems very familiar territory – again fate seems to be raging at us and reminding, should we need it, that this kind of pandemic has no respect for money, status or creed. Gosh it really is the ultimate leveller.

In the countryside I have been so enthralled to hear, and I mean really hear, the birdsong. Is there anything more beautiful? My daily rush hour tube crush (God knows how any of us will ever think that this is ok after all of this) is replaced by a morning yoga session with a growing community of people looking to start the day in a different way. I take time to call friends and family and really listen to what they are saying and likewise I feel really heard for the first time in a few years.

My partner and I have slotted into a gentle cadence of a new timetable. I used to hate him travelling away so much with work, now he’s with me and we talk like we’ve never done before. I feel a whole different connection and it reminds me that the most important gift we can give to another human being is our time.

I’ve always suspected that I am at heart an introvert, albeit in extravert clothing… my job, the City demanded a more assertive personality. With the slowness, with the silence I have found my inner introvert taking over and really embracing “her” moment in the Sun. I’ve found this Summer House in the garden – I’ve named it “my girl shed” – and I’ve been virtually living down there. Tucked in the corner of the garden it has opened up a whole new inner World for me .. and I’m peeking through into all of the rooms of my own mind. I’m not sure that there is anything more fascinating than how our minds work and if we just give them the space to open up you could find some real hidden gems there.

Ok I’m only four weeks in. I have four pairs of trousers and six tops. I can’t do my hair and I can’t wear my huge selection of high heels. And so far none of this matters. I’m more careful what I cook, what I throw away, I tut at the unnecessary packaging that everything seems to come in and I’ve been in a car twice. So far I’ve uncovered a happiness and peace of mind that I touched before when my daughter was ill – but for some God forsaken reason I chose to forget about the learnings when I returned to normal life.

Not this time. I vow. If I was a religious woman, which I’m not, I would feel that God was reigning down his/her fury on us for our selfish, uncaring way of life. But I am a deeply spiritual person and I do believe we are having a giant mirror placed in front of us and I certainly don’t like what I see.

I have been meditating on what I want my life to look like from here on in. As a student of Buddhism I already meditate on death each day – I find this a completely joyful thing to do as it helps one not sweat the small stuff. I want to live each day as it truly is my last and then I know I have lived every second of this precious life. And what better way to honour our own dead than to embrace each second. 

So I’m off back to my girl hut for the evening to work on a whole new creative project – something incredibly close to my heart . Watch this space so much more to come……

Oh and a huge thank you to the kind people who ask me to write. Writing helps me make sense of the World, but if I think even one of you is listening that makes it even more worthwhile.

Stay safe, hold each other very tight and stay home.

Debbie x

To the women in my life – with love

I’ll tell you a secret my dear friends – I’ve never really felt that I’ve belonged anywhere. As a child I would stare through other people’s windows, see the table set, the dimmed lamps and laughter and shared love. I thought it was lovely, but I never felt that would ever be part of my life.

I’ve glimpsed it but never felt that family blanket of love that would catch you whenever you fell whatever you did. Just never had it – and take it from me if you do have it cherish it with all your heart. It is a gift indeed. My early lesson was that I had to be the good child, not rock the boat and to work as hard as I could to keep any kind of show on the road. I don’t blame anybody anymore it’s just how it was. 

I loved my Mother very much. It broke my heart when she died and left me at 19 with no family support and -perhaps even worse – no female role model to shine a light on the path ahead. I feel so sad when I look back at the bewildered, terrified and isolated young woman that I was.

But – I got the point pretty quickly necessity is so often the “mother of invention“. We really are stronger than we think – but only if we choose to be.

I strapped my boots on, dusted myself off and made a clear intention – I was going to survive and in the words of the wonderful Maya Angelou I was not just going to survive, but to thrive and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour and some style.” 

And reporting back from the grand old age of 56, battle-weary maybe from some of life’s most horrid hurdles and a little beaten and bruised, I figure it was a pretty good intention to live one’s life by. 

I have survived and I have done so – I hope – without losing the ability to care, to be kind, to connect and to live with utmost integrity. This final point is, I believe, the magic ingredient that is always required if one wants to live a happy life. Your body and soul knows when you are mean, tell fibs, speak badly of others – every fibre of you knows this and it will come back to get you. 

But there’s something else that I want to share. Something that has formed a critical pillar in my life and has given me strength when I’ve needed it and comfort too. It’s the thing that keeps me up and I know will never desert me. 

It is female friendship. Throughout all of my life I’ve been blessed with the most wonderful girlfriends. Some are new – I’ve met somebody recently who I’m quite sure will be a friend for life – others stretch back to school days, first jobs, yoga classes, friends of friends, my children’s friends Mothers. I have had the most amazing joy and some sense of family through these relationships.

So a lady wrote to me the other day and said how much she enjoyed my blog. I was so touched. And then she said the magic words – she’d given my blog to her daughter’s to read and they’d so enjoyed it. She asked me to write more – so my dear reader this post is really for you. 

And here’s why. My early path in life, with no female role models, was bleak. I probably chose a particularly ruthless path – newspapers, fashion journalism, TV journalism – but I never found anybody then who I could look up to. I so wanted to see the woman I wanted to be – but they weren’t there. Looking back maybe I wasn’t ready to find them.

There is something inside me so strong that I want to model for young women what good looks like as one gets older. The negative narrative in the media of empty nests, demise, becoming invisible does not speak to me as it just isn’t true. Getting older is such a privilege denied to so many, I feel so blessed that I can spend my life trying to do something good, memorable, helping others – however small those gestures might be. 

I am so blessed to have so many great women in my life – but believe me I’ve worked at it. All relationships need work and, second only to being a good Mother and Grand Mother, is my desire to be a good friend. It is the best investment that anybody can make.

And there was I thinking I had a full complement of female friends and along came one of the most magnificent women I’ve ever met. Sue Woodd https://www.suewoodd.com/is a human dynamo, fizzing with vibrancy, energy and so much humour and joy. She has been a life saver for me and now a kind of spiritual guide. And now, through her, I’ve met a whole tribe of other women who I feel completely at home with….. dare I whisper it almost like a family.

There are so many kindred souls out there if we choose to open our hearts to them. In these troubled times, what really matters comes to forefront. I hold my friends hearts very tightly and never want to let go. They really are as good as it gets.

Stay safe out there and much love

Debbie x

Hey all my girlfriends out there please remember the real power is within

Photo by Retha Ferguson on Pexels.com

I swear I will never do this again! Last week I heard the totally amazing Debra Searle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debra_Searle talk about what she’d learnt about rowing the Atlantic single handedly (her husband bailed early on) in a plywood rowing boat. She was alone at sea for months and went half mad with loneliness – but she did it. God what a woman.

So afterwards I went up to her and just said: “Debra, why did you do this?” She answered briefly before looking me straight in the eye and saying “how do you get your hair to go like that at the back?” 

I’m sure Debra won’t mind me repeating this as we both clamped our hands over our mouths “What are we doing?? What about the trip – the days at sea, not seeing anyone for months, how totally awesome she is…… who cares about the flipping hair!!!

Why oh why do us women give our power away like this. Why do we care so much about what we look like (I include myself in this) Sometimes I think we’re our own worst enemies. We look everywhere to make us feel stronger/better/more worthy – and guess what it never ever works. A hairstyle, a piece of clothing, a man, the right shoes/bag/scarf -none of these things will ever ever work longterm.

Debra Searle is magnificent! Look her up – she’s done an extraordinary thing. So are so many of the women I work with. But get them on the quiet and so many of them will admit to all kinds of insecurities. Is it that we are honest and it’s just human to express vulnerability sometimes – btw I think it’s an absolute honour when somebody trusts you enough to admit this side of themselves. I guess men do this too – I love Alain de Botton’s  https://www.alaindebotton.com/. advice that if a man buys a Ferrari he just really needs a hug as it’s a sure sign of inner weakness. Maybe men just do it in different ways.

So this week I’ll be working with two of my favourite women – mainly coaching around media. I know I will be laughing out loud, be totally inspired by their courage and zest for life – I also know we’ll do a lot of talking about: how to be heard, how to be assertive not aggressive, how to tackle imposter syndrome…same old, same old.

And I’ll point to women I think do power really well. Mishal Husain, Emily Maitlis (her forensic, detailed, professional drilling into Prince Andrew’s ridiculous alibi was a masterclass in interviewing techniques) and, of course, Helen Mirren. I think this is largely personal preference: I prefer grace dignity and steely calmness, but I do think this is just one way of doing female power. Others do well with bolshy, loud, domineering – that just doesn’t do it for me. 

So as I prepare for my week I’ve jotted down what I think female power/influence is and what it is not. Please feel free to disagree:

• It always comes from the inside – when somebody really knows who they are, what they are prepared to stand for and when they are prepared to stand up and be counted – and most importantly when the fight isn’t worthy of you

• It is often quiet, although not always, it is about gravitas, grace under pressure and direct/honest communication

• It is never about bullying, humiliating others, blocking other women, blocking anybody

• It is NEVER achieved through: a relationship, status, a job title, how thin/rich somebody is

• It is firmly boundaried and there is clarity around who is allowed in and who is not. The woman knows that there are some very unpleasant views out there about what a woman should and should not be. She is never cowed, but only chooses the battles she wants to fight.

• She only engages in social media when she is in control – she can delete what/who she wants/whenever she wants. Anything but this is complete madness.

• she looks after all other women – young, middle-aged, old – and knows it can be an increasingly scary world and we so need each other more than ever 

Like so many others I was utterly heart broken to hear of the death of the super talented, sassy, charismatic Caroline Flack. All I hope is that this gives us all a little nudge to be that tiny bit kinder to each other. 

Have a lovely week

Debbie xx