Above all be the heroine of your life
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“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to take some of that trouble on behalf of other women.”
Nora Ephron
Ah forgive me, I’m feeling a little mischievous lately and more than a tad disruptive:). But only in the best possible way, of course. Oh and I just adore the writer and feminist Nora Ephron - a great read for women of all ages who are trying to navigate our many transitional female life phases with authenticity, integrity and last, but maybe most importantly, a large dose of humour and love.
“The purpose of life is a life on purpose”
The incredible Dame Stephanie Shirley - a true Rock My Age woman
So last week I was speaking to the totally awesome Dame Stephanie (Steve) Shirley as part of our Rocking the Journey podcast (pls see full interviews in our in-conversation section). And she got me really thinking about what it means to “not be a lady”, disruption and writing our own story - and the link between the three and their impact on our self esteem.
Dame Stephanie knows a thing or two about disruption and writing one’s own narrative, especially as she launched her career at a time when women truly were second class citizens and in some places were still banned from working at all. She arrived in the UK during the second World War as an unaccompanied kindertransport child. She was five years old and was clutching her nine year old sister’s hand. One can only shudder imagining the horror of it all.
She went on to become one of our first female tech entrepreneurs, building up a company which employed an all women workforce and introduced flexible and home working way ahead of anybody else. She transferred this company into employee ownership and made 70 millionaires overnight.
After building up a personal fortune (according to one newspaper second only to the Queen although she disputes this) she went on to become one of our most generous philanthropists. She has been named by Radio 4 as one of the 100 most powerful women in the UK, has written a best selling book of her life Let it Go - soon to be made into a big screen film - she’s done numerous TED talks and at 86 years old is still very much part of the conversation.
In a warm, generous conversation that she had with me, she spoke so heartbreakingly about the effect her early trauma had had on her whole life, how she navigated life again after losing her only son Giles, and the impact that such a full life has taken on her and her family. She spoke with such honesty about mental health, vulnerability and about how giving her money away has given her so much more happiness than making it in the first place “The purpose of life is a life on purpose,” she says.
I guess she carved out her version of “being/or not being a lady” that had very little to do with the narrative of the time. And I guess in my work I want to urge all women to think hard about the narrative they want to live their lives by - and I mean really think, do that hard internal work that is required - and it’s never too late to do this btw - challenge ourselves our fears/our limitations and take life by the scruff of the neck and live with full vibrancy, courage and spirit.
But always, always, always, with kindness, consideration and an eye to helping all other women up at the same time. This is my personal mantra dear reader.
Expanding our circle of influence/control
I passionately believe that the first step towards this, if we haven’t already done this, is to double down on the concept of what is our circle of influence/control. Or as the ancient Greeks would say “know thyself” .
So here’s my confession, as a generally nosey person, I spent so many years worrying/trying to fix/giving unwanted opinions about other people’s lives. Worse still as a big animal lover I would torture myself with pictures on the internet of dogs and elephants being badly treated.
All this energy made me feel completely lousy and didn’t help anybody or anything at all.
Sure it was a great avoidance tactic - by focussing on things I couldn’t do anything about I didn’t have to look inside at my own discomfort of feeling lost in/or sometimes tortured by the World. A very skilled Counsellor rolled her eyes at my constant virtue signalling, told me to send money to an elephant charity of my choice and get on with looking at areas where I could actually make a difference/have impact.
Well that told me and after a bit of “she doesn’t understand me” I got on with it and haven’t looked back.
For more on your circle of influence/control please pick up Steven Covey’s excellent book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The theory in brief is the more time and energy you spend on the actual things you can control, and take focus away from the rest, the more in control you will feel and the more impact you will have in the World.
Such a simple but, if applied diligently to one’s own life, a real life changing idea.
Controlling the narrative
So many of the inspirational women that Erika and I are speaking to talk in some way or other about shaping their own path and ignoring a lot of conventional wisdom.
Choosing our own way, regardless of our circumstances, is the central message in “my bible” Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl, a holocaust surviver, who later became a psychiatrist was perhaps the best placed of all to demonstrate how a good life can still be achieved after one loses everything that ever mattered.
And dear reader, I’ve been there, lost it all - and the most important piece of advice that was given to me was: give yourself space and time to accept what has happened to you, make a plan and re-write your script accordingly and build this around your circle of influence.
And I did that too - one of my reasons behind launching this platform.
Oh and I might add, which is so important, in choosing our own way we may upset people and that is ok - we must never live a version of our lives that is dictated by anybody else. But we should never lose sight of acting with compassion, integrity and kindness. Being interconnected with our family, our friends and our community is central to good mental and emotional health and is what life is really all about. Getting the balance of these two things right is tricky but is where the real female magic can be fully unleashed.
Being a bitch queen is a sure signal to the world that you are way out of your circle of influence. Please always remember that when people behave badly it only says everything about them and absolutely nothing about you. Always, always, always disentangle yourself from other people’s drama.
Happy high status
Something else all of our interviewees demonstrate is what I call happy high status. It is that harmonious blend of getting the internal and external worlds aligned and acting entirely in line with one’s own values and purpose. This creates a powerful sense of authenticity and in my opinion is the ultimate longterm tool for persuasion, influence and real power (if that’s what you want).
In my years of coaching people to perform on camera, I always urge them towards this place. Once a person is entirely aligned and responds to life, rather than reacts to it, performing on any stage loses its fear factor. When one unleashes one’s authentic voice and personality the World really is a stage.
The problem is there are often blocks, erroneous beliefs at work that poison our performances. Hence the absolute essential foundation of impact training is identifying and calling out these blocks. On camera especially, one’s internal world is put under the microscope. Watch someone being interviewed on TV, politicians don’t count as they’ve been media trained to pulps of human beings, but look at the rest the camera really doesn’t lie. If somebody feels unsure, unworthy, unvalued it will show up.
So impact training always starts with the internal world. Once we get this right other skills such as body language, how to speak, lighting - can all be taught simply and easily. But the real change has to happen inside first - one has to feel worthy of having a voice/a say.
Look at people like Michelle Obama, Jacinda Ardern, the Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, Brene Brown - all relaxed, empathic, warm happy high status people.
Self worth is a female super power
Why oh why do women, in particular, struggle with this. Research proves time and again that women are harder on themselves than men. It is apparently why so many fewer women start businesses than men.
Now with this pernicious virus continuing to wreack havoc on our social, emotional, economic and physical wellbeing - we are hearing more and more how worried women are about the future. And when women get worried this often has a negative impact on their self worth.
Erika and I have been working over the Summer on a set of self-help tools, a mix of online independent learning and some face to face coaching sessions, aimed at empowering and inspiring women to look after themselves better, expand their circle of influence and live the best life they can despite our more limited landscape just at the moment
If you want to know more about these or our general executive and impact coaching please sign up to our website and get updates delivered direct to your inbox.
I want to leave you with one thought re self-worth. Stephen Fry this week said he refers to himself as a “person who acts and writes” and never “an actor” or “a writer”
I think this is such a sensible and useful approach to maintaining good mental health. We so often wrap ourselves in labels e.g. “John Smith’s wife” or “CEO/CFO/COO of this or that company” or - worse still in my opinion “a celebrity or influencer”. Understanding, accepting and celebrating who we are - without any fancy titles or labels - is in my opinion a foundation block for building resilience and well being and protects us for when that title shifts or slips - as it will as life is like that.
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Warmest love and stay safe
Debbie x
